So, when we last left our heroine (that would be me) she was on her way to the east coast for her dear grandmother's funeral (Merry Christmas!) and more than a little distraught.  Okey dokey, still a little emotional, so let's frame in just one shot of the whole story.

Saw my dad.  And I didn't even have time to prepare.  He came to the funeral (it was a regular ex-fest, but that's another entry) and I saw him as we were leaving the church.  It was very surreal.  I mean the street the church was on and everything looked exactly the way it did 25 years ago.  Then to have my 25 years older father standing there....

I don't know what I expected.  More.  Less.  It was just so strange.  He was happy to see me.  I guess I was happy to see him... I dunno.  I was a little irked that he was so happy to see me on the very day we were burying my grandmother.  It just seemed so odd!

We spent the next day together and I got to meet my half-brother.  Nice kid - quiet.  Seemed kind of nonplussed about the whole meeting thing.  It was sprung on me as a surprise.  I mean, I was expecting a day of shopping and chatting and I get, "oh, I told him to meet us here." 

So the afternoon was spent with the two of them talking sports to each other(when they spoke) and me talking about my grandmother.  I have to say, I was quite deliberate in that.  I mean, why should I be the only uncomfortable one at the table? 

I just felt gobsmacked by the whole thing.  Let's just layer on the whole emotional enchilada within 24 hours, shall we!  No wonder I'm exhausted - I don't think I have any feelings left right now that aren't high caliber, crazy-out-of-kilter or just plain inappropriate.

Of course it makes me totally evil to say all this when I'm using my brand new ViewSonic 17" flat screen monitor and Bose speakers that dear old Dad sent me as a gift.  Sigh.  I am ambivalent in my conflict.

So I'll end with these two things - one positive, one negative.

1 - I'm angry that he didn't want to spend time alone with me.  I'm angry that he didn't consider my emotions and didn't give me any time to prepare to meet my half-brother. (okay, that's really two issues, isn't it?)

2 - I'm glad that for whatever reason, he did make the effort to see me twice.  (It's one more time than he made the effort to see me the last summer I was there when I was 15.) And he was happy to see me.

I guess no matter where you are in life, if you have a parent who dropped out of your life, you never get over wanting that ideal relationship with him (or her).  That's kind of a pisser.  Am I ever going to get over wanting that perfect Daddy or am will "getting over" it harden me somehow? 

Conundrum, thy name is Abbie.

hey, it's easier than sorting out the mess that's in my head right now

5 things I'd rather be doing
1.  Sleeping
2.  A shopping spree at Fry's Electronics on someone else's dime
3.  Walking in Paris
4.  Getting a two hour full body massage
5.  Winning the lottery

5 favorite films
1.  Love Actually
2.  Lost in Translation
3.  The Philadelphia Story
4.  Amadeus
5.  Les Miserables

5 favorite stories
1.  The Scarlet Letter - Hawthorne?
2.  As You Like It - Shakespeare
3.  Morning Glory - LaVyrle Spencer
4.  Tartuffe - Moliere
5.  Les Miserables - Hugo

5 foods I can't live without
1.  Cherries
2.  Lemon cake
3.  Sweet potatoes
4.  Ice cream
5.  Carrots

5 dream jobs
1.  Writer
2.  Muse
3.  Artist
4.  Dancer
5.  Costume Designer/Stylist

5 Goals for 2005
1.  Lose weight
2.  Be published
3.  Move somewhere swank
4.  See my family more
5.  Get a better paying job that I actually enjoy

If you've ever doubted that the cooing of quail can drive you nuts over time, you haven't listened to it night after night after night right underneath your bedroom window.  I hate Arizona.

100 Things About My Grandmother:

1. She was the twelfth of thirteen children


2. Her father was a very literate Baptist minister


3. When she got married, there were so many people in the church she could hardly get in


4. She was born in North Carolina


5. She was a single parent in the 1940s - a time when it was very, very difficult to be so, especially for a woman of color


6. She left school in the eighth grade to work to support her brothers and sisters


7. She was a foster grandparent


8. She has three children, seven grandchildren and two great-grandchildren


9. While she was working as a foster grandparent, the teachers wanted her to help teach the kids to read and she said she couldn't cuz she had only gone to night school, so she could only read at night. :)


10. She made the best cakes and chocolate chip cookies.


11. Every night, even when she could barely walk, she would get down on her knees and pray


12. She wouldn't let my mother have chocolate cake at her wedding because, well, it just wasn't done.


13. She always wore a hat


14. We always laughed at my mother because she wears the ugliest hats!


15. Her house was always spotless, but never unwelcoming


16. She worked most of her life as a housekeeper


17. She never drove


18. The first time I ever heard her swear was one Christmas when my mother gave me the album, Rapper's Delight and she said "What kind of music is this? They said 'damn'!"


19. She saved every greeting card


20. She used things until they couldn't be used anymore.  Her soapdish is the same as I remember as a child.


21. She grew up in the Depression era - she washed Ziploc baggies, reused aluminum foil and cut the recipes off of every food package.  She saved bread bag ties and pieces of string from packaging


22. At the age of 73 she left the home she'd known for the past 60 years and moved to California


23. She attended every single one of my major life events


24. She never drank or smoked a cigarette


25. She traveled a lot, mostly to see family but she did go on vacations to Aruba, Bermuda, Canada....  But she never went to Europe


26. When I was born she and her sister would only call me by my middle name because they thought my first name was "horrible"


27. The house she grew up in is still in the family


28. Once, when we were driving around town in a not so nice neighborhood, she read a billboard that said 'Live! Nude Girls!' and she said, "Do some of them have dead girls?" :)


29. If you did something wrong when we were out to dinner she would pinch you.


30. We would talk on the phone for hours


31. She would get embarrassed when my mom and I would laugh at the funny greeting cards in Hallmark, then she would want to read the cards


32. She didn't like cats because she said they were always watching you


33. When her kids were small she worked three jobs and would get home just in time to make sure the kids got off to school


34. She was the stereotypical grandmother in that all the things she wouldn't let her own children do, she would let her grandchildren do with relish


35. She wouldn't play cards


36. During a thunderstorm we had to turn off all the lights and not talk on the phone


37. Whenever you couldn't find something she would say to go to the cupboard and turn a drinking glass upside down and then you would find it.  None of us know the history behind this, but we know she learned it from her mother


38. She was in labor for over 24 hours with my mother


39. She'd tell you you needed to watch your weight then make you dessert


40. She loved accessories: hats, gloves, shoes, purses


41. She always voted because 'people died so she could vote'


42. Our last night in New York we spent at her house and she made duck for my mother because it was her favorite and the fluffiest lemon meringue pie.  She didn't like to cook


43. She never went to bed with dirty dishes in the sink


44. She had a subscription to The Daily Word for at least as long as I've been around


45. When my mom was in college in Ohio and the mail delivery was quicker, she would mail my mother biscuits and butter and cake and it would get there the next day


46. She was one of those people who always balanced their checkbook, changed the batteries in her fire alarm and kept all her warranties and instruction books


47. Whenever there were other cars on the road she always said there was a lot of traffic, even if we were moving at 80 mph


48. She could shop all day (and not buy a thing)


49. She loved to look fashionable, unless it came to skirt lengths.  She hated for her skirts to be too long or too short (which meant above the knee)


50. Whenever she packed for a trip none of her clothes would be wrinkled


51. A few years ago she got a credit card with a $20K limit - it made her laugh


52. She loved to go to the lunch counters and restaurants in the pish-y posh-y department stores


53. She crocheted for a while and did latch hook rugs. She always felt like she did a bad job at both


54. Whenever I went to her house after school she would have a yummy snack waiting for me, even if she wasn't home when I got there


55. She was upset when my mom legally changed her name even though she agreed it was a horrible name


56. She rarely ever took a picture with her teeth showing


57. At her eightieth birthday party she opened gifts for over two hours


58. She would always find out the one thing I wanted for Christmas and manage to get that for me every year


59. One of her favorite desserts was apple pie, and no matter how full she said she was she always had dessert.  And she'd give you a look if you suggested leaving the table without!


60. She was always worried that her writing was bad so whenever she wrote a letter she would double-check it and check her spelling with a dictionary


61. She said it was bad for us kids to wear tennis shoes all the time because it would make our feet spread


62. We always talked about taking a cruise around the world together if I won the lottery


63. She would never play the lottery because it was gambling.  Even when she got a bunch of lottery tickets as a bithday gift she didn't claim the money


64. Her favorite car was a Jaguar.  She wanted one with a chauffeur


65. I still have the gold cross pendant she gave me when I graduated Kindergarten.  She would always ask me where I got it


66. My last day at home before I left for summer camp I would spend at her house


67. Her favorite flowers are yellow roses


68. She loved fish, just about any kind


69. She had a scar on her arm that she said she got from her sister when they were kids


70. She never left the house looking anything less than 100%


71. She paid for her own funeral


72. She rarely wore makeup, and when she did it was lipstick and that was a very natural brown tone


73. I once gave her a makeover and she thought it was silly to have so much makeup on


74. She loved going out for dinner


75. She had a game closet just for the grandkids


76. She wouldn't eat spaghetti in public because she said she could never get the noodles on the fork


77. If I ordered a drink and it came in a cocktail glass she would sniff it to make sure it didn't have alcohol in it.  If I ordered a cocktail she would just ask me what it was.


78. She always accused me of driving too fast and on "two wheels"


79. She loved doing word search puzzles


80. One of her favorite shows was NYPD Blue - I think she had the hots for Henry Simmons.  Quite frankly, who could blame her?


81. Her bedroom furniture was the same set she got when she got married


82. She couldn't wash her hair in the shower because she hated getting water in her eyes.  She would wash her hair in the kitchen sink


83. Food is supposed to be HOT (like with steam)


84. After we moved to the west coast I would spend summers with her in NY or we would meet somewhere


85. She could remember nearly everyone's birthday


86. We used to watch Lawrence Welk together every Sunday


87. She spent a lot of summers in the Catskills and Poconos


88. She is named after her mother


89. She could be unbelievably stubborn


90. She loved Christmas lights


91. She didn't like having her picture taken


92. She worked at a preschool just after retiring


93. She fell asleep during just about every movie she tried to watch


94. She loved Billy Graham, Mahalia Jackson, Shirley Caeser and Nat King Cole


95. When she was really sick and had fallen, the paramedics were questioning her memory - asking her name, age, birthdate etc.  She answered everything until they asked for her address.  She said they should know because they came to see her :)


96. When she went on vacation to Aruba she put on her bathing suit and went to the beach.  She didn't know how to swim and was probably a little afraid of the water.  She would wade out to about her knees and have her picture taken as though she had spent time in the water.


97. We used to have a family reunion every year and relatives would show up from all over to our small town.  No one would stay in a hotel.  I remember going to her house one morning to pick people up for the picnic and there were about fifteen people sleeping all over her one bedroom, one bath apartment.


98. She always worried about her weight


99. She always got everything done that she was supposed to


100. She lived a long, hard life full of good times, family and memories - November 16, 1916 ~ December 14, 2004

I refuse to start this post with "back in my day" so let's just start with the story.

I was in the store the other day and these two kids were running around and picking up every little thing, putting it back in the wrong place or using it for some purpose for which it was not designed.  They opened packages and made a mess for thirty minutes.

The "parents" were running around after them, grabbing things from their little hands and putting them back.  Um, yeah.  How 'bout this suggestion: "Kids? Don't. Touch. Anything."

Time was, kids knew how to behave in stores because their parents took up the responsibility and weren't afraid to be parents.  And if your kid broke something you brought it to the register and paid for it - didn't leave it broken sitting on a shelf for someone else to clean up.

I'm understanding, truly I am.  Parents have their good and bad days and kids are just going to get away from you sometimes, but sheesh!  If you're standing around throwing your hands in the air and saying, "he just won't obey" you seriously need to step back and take a look. 

Now I never say anything because, well I just don't. I'll leave the store first.  But my friend P won't tolerate it.  She will walk up to the child and say something in a low voice that just the kid can hear and *boom* he/she behaves.  So right then we know that the child has the capacity to behave, but doesn't.

It's just so frustrating!  I mean who lets their kids run unattended through the stores? It's dangerous for one - who-knows-who can&nb sp;try to walk off with your kid!  Your kid could hurt another kid or vice versa.  I saw some kids writing in some school notebooks at WalMart and the mom just closed the books and put them back on the shelf - didn't even say anything to her kids! 

Whatever happened to manners?

This is Saturday and I'm up doing laundry.  I got a call from my uncle this morning - he just flew in last night to AZ to see my grandmother.  She's still in the hospital and not responsive.  On the one hand the doctors are really impressed with how well she is doing, on the other hand, she is not yet breathing on her own.  They say she is not unconscious.  The neurologist says that initial scans are showing that she did not have a stroke at all.  I don't know what to think.

My mother doesn't want me to come out there early, so I guess it's okay that they haven't called the relatives in yet.  But the prognosis is so up in the air - it's frustrating!

I'm supposed to be meeting a friend for lunch today at noon.  I'm looking forward to lots of laughter and a little shopping.

Do you ever look back over your life and see the ebb and flow of your relationships and wonder why some friendships come to the forefront of your life and why some of your best friends fade into the background?

I have a friend who I really just saw on Sundays at church and maybe every once in a while during the week, but now we are really getting to know one another and we have a lot of common interests.  It's cool.  Then there's another friend who I did something with at least once a week for about five years whom I now see maybe once every three months or so.  And let's not forget my best friend who got married three years ago and has seemingly dropped off the face of the earth. 

That's a friendship I've decided to leave in her hands.  When we do talk she complains that she doesn't have any friends anymore (her husband is passive-aggressive and controlling) but she doesn't seem to recognize that she has the power to make and develop new friendships.  I think making her husband her whole world is damaging their relationship and putting an undue strain on herself, because she is so social.  A part of her is stagnating. 

But I can't fill everyone's cup.  It's my own cup that needs filling right now and I've got to learn to be still and let it be filled.  Easier said than done.

It rained this morning - how appropos.  It feels like the what is on the outside matches what is on my inside.

I may have pushed myself a little harder than I should have.  I'm worn a little thin and about yea-far from a total meltdown. 

I'm not sleeping well - about 2 hours a night.  I want to do well at the craft sale tomorrow.  I need to finish three scarves by tomorrow evening.  My finances are completely out of control.  Oh, God - it just goes on and on and on.  Truthfully, I don't think I've ever been this distressed before and I don't quite know the way out.  Frankly I just want to crawl under the covers and not come out until spring. 

My grandmother is in the hospital again.  Sure she's been there before and I've never been this distressed about it, but then she's never stopped breathing before either.  Yesterday, after breakfast, she said she felt a little dizzy.  When she got to the hospital she had a seizure and then stopped breathing so they had to intubate her.  She's doing really well now, all things considered - her vital signs are strong and she's responding to voices. 

I know she won't be here forever, and it really is impossible to prepare oneself for this, but how do you manage to get out of bed in the morning?  How do you go on?  I feel like my soul is being spooned out through my gut with each and every breath. 

And I know that I will go on.  Just like everyone else does.  I know that there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel.  In my head at least I know that.  But it's my heart that's refusing to cooperate. 

I suppose I should let sorrow run its course and see where it takes me.  Obviously it is here and it wants me to acknowledge it.  I'm okay with that.  The bad times need to be felt deeply so the good times can be felt just as I deeply, I believe.  The scary part is not knowing how deep the chasm of my brokeness is and how deep I far will I be cast into it?

And yet, work still needs doing, obligations still need to be met, laundry still needs washing and I only have ten nails for the biting and so much hair for the pulling. 

And where is God?  I'm not sure.  I do know that I am running away from Him because I guess that's safer.  Where does faith go when it rains?  Maybe like a plant it has a dormant stage - where it's not growing, but merely sustaining itself, taking in nutrients and r ecuperating from a season of growth before it can burst forth in full glory once again.

Nonetheless, I am as prepared as I'm going to be.  There will be something good at the end of this travail.  Perhaps it will just be that I am all the stronger for having made it through.  Or perhaps my life will have a whole new beginning.

Into the abyss....

Man!  Am I tired!  I did my first craft show yesterday and didn't get much sleep the night before.  It went really well.  I sold my favorite purse - the one I marked at $50 so it wouldn't sell.  Oh well, I have pictures, I can always make another.  I wound up leaving early because I pretty much ran out of things to sell.  All the scarves went and most of the hats.  I only sold two purses and I thought those would be the big items.  It just shows to go ya, huh?

I have anothe show next week and am planning to do jewelry and Christmas cards.  Haven't even started. 

The neat thing about doing this craft show was people really appreciated my stuff, especially that it was handmade.  I even sold the two scarves I was working on during the show!  People are very disgruntled about the lack of originality they are finding lately and so my wacky color combinations were a hit.  Who knew?

I need to get better on the pricing though.  I think I undersold some stuff.  I'm always afraid the prices are going to be too off-putting though.  It's a hard middle-ground to locate, you know. 

Well, that's all for now.  I'm off to pull colors for a comissioned scarf!  It's to be in oranges and rusts - ginger-y colors.

Still tweaking the colors, but it was time for a change.  How do you like?