I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of the world and the people who think they know what is best for everyone else. I'm tired of those nice well-meaning Christians who send me moral majority literature as if, just because I am Christian, that I subscribe to the same lemming philosophy as they. The same ones who seem surprised to learn that I have never in 21 years voted Republican. I've voted democrat, green, independent....you get the drift.

I am also tired of people in high positions who don't deserve to be there and don't take care with people's feelings and contributions. I'm tired of corporations who say it's time to buckle down and tighten our belts to the "underlings" then gives themselves 37% raises even when it is to obvious detriment to the company.

I'm tired of people driving Hummers. Really, I just hate the car...nothing so much to do with the people. Well, come to think of it, I may have a grudge against the drivers too - they're always trying to look so cool when, in truth you know they were the ones who were always 2nd or 3rd string.

But mostly I'm tired of people who write to us and tell us how bad the school system is and how it is the fault of teachers that the kids can't compete academically with kids from other countries, when they, the parents, can't spell or punctuate their own selves. Like I've always said, stupid kids go home every night and if their parents aren't trying to improve their own minds, how can the kids see the importance of education. Quit blaming the teachers and give them more money!

Just some things I had to clear out before I got on the freeway....

Okay, I've gotten some sleep now. Today I slept in till about 8:30. Then I got up tried to work on the computer and then my mouse gave up the ghost (that's the latest thing) so I went back to bed at around 9:30 and stayed there until almost 11. Nice.

Seems that most people don't have this day off for Cesar Chavez. I guess we get it because we're promised 13 paid holidays a year and this one falls at the right time of year.

Anyway, I've put a bunch of stuff on ebay this morning. That took some time. I have to get more organized with that if I want to make money with it. Problem is that I don't really have anything that people want to pay money for.

Sort of finished[b] I Don't Know How She Does It[/b], in that I skipped to the end. It was okay for awhile but then it just plain tired me out. It seems every book I've read by a British author seems to feature this self-deprecating heroine who doesn't know how to make a good decision. That and they always mentioned how their knickers have turned to grey. Don't they have water softener in the UK?

I'm procrastinating again. I have a whole slew of writings I should get out today. I have an article to write and a review to do. Instead I'm really thinking on having myself a grand old Sims party. Haven't played in almost a week and I could have a lot of time if I didn't have to do anything else. But no, that would be wrong. There are several other people counting on me and I have to learn to do things when I have the time, not just the inclination.

So, on I go! I will write today. I will do the dishes. I will take out the recycling. Right after this nap....

i've had about 1.75 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours and i'm really stupid. evidence being that i'm writing this when my soft plush bed beckons. thought it would be fun to see what i could write when i'm so tired it hurts to hit thespacebar. hmmm. not much. really, i'm so tired i sound drunk. like a puppy. or a salamander. i think if i type long enough i will put myself into a lucid dreaming trance and all the great mysteries of the universe will be revealed to me. like why the big-boob bras are always put on the lowest racks in the stores. is it because sheer gravity will lead us to the correct size? i dunno.
maybe some peppy emoticons will wake me up :lol: :D :P
not really :shock:
i didn't wear my new shoes today (btw, it took me five attempts to spell "wear" correctly...). The black Clarks my mom got me - they're cool. I didn't really have to work today.
saw myself in a glass window and MAN i need to lose weight. can you do a gastric bypass at home? like if i just swallowed a lot of paper clips would they fill up my stomach and i wouldn't eat so much? kinda sounds worthy.
you know if you really wanna get drunk but you don't have money for liquor, try sleep deprivation...really, i think it's the same feeling. I mean, I think i'm really clever right now...

I just got an email from a friend telling me about her recent trip to Vietnam. Another friend is traveling in Laos for 5 weeks. Another is in Africa for a whole year and yet another is planning a trip to the Ukraine. I've never thought of these types of trips for myself. Granted, I'm not much of a traveler, what with me hating to fly and all, but it seems that other people have visited so much of the world and I have stayed at home.

I have to get over that. I wonder if I've just declared myself not to be a traveler when, in reality, I've only let my fears define me. And it's not like there isn't help out there....this is stupid. I'm sick and tired of my world being within the boundaries of ocean shores. I do want to travel - my friend Ann went to Italy for a frickin' long weekend!!! Why can't I have that sort of spirit? Why can't I just save up my money and take off for someplace exotic?

That's my resolution for this year - find someone to help me get over this fear I have. I always did know that I would do something when the fear began to hinder me, I just figured it would be a lot later in life.

Onward and (literally!) upward!

Did [u][i][b]six[/b][/i][/u] loads today. I think clothing should come with some sort of scotchgard like protection that enables you to shake off dirt, smells and wrinkles. Hmm, that's probably not a good idea...think underwear...eeeuuuww!

Anyway, did a little grocery shopping today. Gotta finish later - tonight or tomorrow. Didn't get a chance to vacuum so that will have to wait until tomorrow as well.

Oh - guess what? I got this private message from a forum I'm on and it's this guy who asked me out once and then never called me again. He doesn't know it's me, I don't think. I'll wait until tomorrow to write him back...maybe then I'll know what to say.

I'm all showered and sweet smelling finally - went to the store and did laundry just fresh out of bed. Lovely. Mom is on her way back to my house and we're going to the bank to transfer some money and then to dinner. I'm sure it will be fun.

I've got to get my car fixed on Monday - needs a serious tune up. And shocks, I think. Car' a rockin' but nobody's knockin'....

This is the most boring entry ever. I'm falling asleep typing it. Better to just cut my losses and move on.

My mother is coming to visit tomorrow. That could have all sorts of meanings. Most times we get along but we just plain refuse to acknowlege that each of us has our own way of doing things (however, mine is the only way that makes sense.) Will we drive each other crazy in four days? Who knows.

I went to a writer's panel today. I thought since it was free that there wasn't going to be very much information given out. But it was quite informative. The funny thing is that each of them said that you don't pick writing as a career if you want to get rich. Well, yeah, I knew that, but half the time I just like to see my name in print, and I don't think about the money anyway.

My cell phone rang at about 1am then again at 7. My land line rang twice. I thought for sure that my mother was calling me to say someone had died - that my grandmother had died. I put off listening to voice mail until I got to work. Turns out it was a text message from Cingular and call from my friend and my father. Sheesh! What does that say about me?

What the heck? My life is not making any sense now. We talked yesterday about what I'm now calling my "pre-crush" on one guy and now there may be someone else! And he's gotta be in his 20s, too! What's a pre-menopausal gal to do? This makes a total of 4 guys crashing into my life. I gotta start giving them names.

First there's Bro - I love him. I think he's the greatest thing and I just want him in my life. I've told him that I feel his soul/his heartbeat and he doesn't think that's weird. I have no romantic attachment to him whatsoever, I just LOVE him with everything inside me. I hope you have a friend like that.

Next is Swing, the guy from yesterday. We did swing dance together at a party once. I keep running into him. My friend and I were talking last night and she mentioned him as a "safe" guy.

Then EyeCandy - He's just beautiful and he has this amazing mouth - soo soo sexy! And I like talking to him because we both have sick and twisted senses of humor - a thing not easily found nor appreciated in the church.

Finally Sparky. We've been writing for about 2 weeks now. We don't go to the same service, but we often meet because of mutual friends. Now we're becoming friends. Well, the thing of it is he sent me something he wrote and I love his words. What kinda cheap chick am I that a few words on paper can make me all cheesy-swoony?

It's so funny that these men are in my life and paying me a sort of attention...well, not Swing, but the rest are. I've been referring to this stage as my locust years. There's a passage in the book of Zephaniah (it's in the Bible) about God wanting to restore the years the locusts have eaten. Well, I lost about 10 years of flirting and attention from men because of family obligations and life in general. I really feel as though God is bringing them back to me in a way.

Of course, I also feel as though I'm turning into one of those girls who obsesses about boys and looks at every action for the hidden meaning. NO! [b]I refuse to let that happen! [/b] I will just sit back and enjoy the ride...

There's this guy I've seen a few times at church that I've been thinking about a lot. I've met him several times, but we never seem to remember it. Guess that doesn't really make sense, huh?

I met him at a party first and we danced together. He was a friend of a friend and she introduced us, but I promptly forgot his name....nothing new there. Met him again a few months later at a conference. I knew he looked familiar but couldn't quite place from where. I thought he was a guy I met at a concert. We talked but it was never resolved about where we met. I wasn't really interested, but he seemed like a nice guy.

A year later I meet him again, and this time I not only remembered him from the conference, but now from the dance....that event must switched over to long term memory and I was able to recall it.... :lol:

So just last month I was at another event at church and he was there again. Finally got the name. We talked a bit - our mutual friend was there - but nothing more came of it.

Now I'm interested. He's very nice and funny and kinda cute. Why? I mean, I don't usually have this sort of interest in someone. I'm hoping to see him again and get a chance to talk - I don't think he goes to my church, only for special events. I seem to remember that he goes to another local one.

Perhaps I should ask my friend about him and see what she thinks. He could be a convicted axe murderer, after all. My gosh, Abs, quit being such a puss!

Sorry....

Well, I'm feeling more sound now. The issue I talked about yesterday is still playing my mind, but I no longer feel link it's my mission to understand or fix it. I guess this is where faith comes in to play.

Spent the day with friends and saw the movie October Sky. I remember thinking when I saw the ad for it, what a boring topic....but it was a really good movie.

We watched it because it was one of the stories recommended in the Sacred Romance. Have you read it? I highly suggest that you do so.

Anyway, I got a early morning tomorrow so good night!

Okay, here's the question - at what point is intercourse an error in judgment and at what point is it rape? Let's take away all the errors in judgment of going further physically than originally planned, the welcoming into the bedroom, and all that. While I think that's just a bad choice, I don't think because a woman invites a man into her bedroom that means she definitely wants sex. I tell my high schoolers not to put themselves into situations where they may feel uncomfortable, but grown women do it all the time.

So there's the huggin', kissin' squeezin' going on in the bedroom. One thing leads to another and the deed is done. Now, if you do it again - is that rape? To me rape is forced sex - either by overpowering someone physically, emotionally or chemically. Am I overlooking something?

I'm stuck in the middle of this situation, knowing both parties, and I don't think either of them knows I know about the other and the extent of the story.

I wish it would all go away. I feel like I've been kicked in the chest. I do believe both of them, but I think because they haven't sat down with a mediator who is skilled at this sort of thing, they have not come to a resolution. Now the guy is being ostracized and the girl is thinking the whole awful story is coming to an end because she won't have to see him anymore.

What I'm thinking is that they both have to deal with their own culpability in the situation. Maybe it's not the best idea for them to do that face to face, but this will not allow her to make better decisions in the future. In fact, I think it lulls her into a false sense of security - her thinking she can control his whereabouts. But before he gave her the courtesy and would not show up where he knew her to be. Now he could be anywhere and even though he would now have to leave when he saw her, she would still have the confrontation and the courtesy calls are off.

And if I feel engulfed by this problem, how do the two directly involved feel about it? I feel stupid not being able to do anything.

Get that "weblog" logo off my header? It looks stupid. And it restates the obvious. Duh, the site is called "tblog".

Probably one of those tblog pro benefits.

Was talking to a friend tonight and there's a situation (the life drama i mentioned on 3/9) where there's a restraining order from his ex. Well I never knew his ex, but I knew the story. Well, now I think I may know who she is, and she's someone I see on a regular basis. All I can say is that its good I don't know for certain. But I wonder how many times I've said something I shouldn't have.

I'm free tomorrow! No work! No shackles of administration. You know, administrative work is really very boring. I can't believe that there are people who actually like it. I have no respect for the "career" path, I think. I mean, that whole moving up the corporate ladder thing....Do people really want to do that? I mean, if you want to be a lawyer, then you go to school and become a lawyer. As you get more cases and experience the natural progression will be to move up, right? I understand that. What gets me are the people who don't make a move until they determine if it will propel them in a upwardly mobile direction. Please stop! It's a waste of your time, your energy, YOUR LIFE!

Hmm - where'd that rant come from?

I got 3 good chic lit books from the library today. Welcome to the World, Baby Girl! The Devil Wears Prada (although I'm sure it's a knock-off) and I Don't Know How She Does It. If I get my house cleaned up by Saturday I can spend Sunday afternoon reading in bed....is that a luxury or what?

I'm late to work today because I was up late trying to make my computer do things it didn't want to do... like recognize my scanner and smart card reader. Thought I may need a new driver for the scanner, well the company has gone belly up. Which I should have realized when I never got my rebate. Fine.

Then I'm drawn into my friend's life drama. When it was him and myself discussing it, it was okay, but now that another party has been brought in, I'm finding it emotionally draining. I mean, what's the purpose of bringing another person in? Unless she is working a different angle toward resolution, I don't see the point.

Now I'm here at work and I just find out that our Dean got a 37% raise. His raise is almost twice what I make all year. And all he does is go to meetings and dinners and make boring, monotone speeches. And how does he get a raise when we're supposed to be in the middle of the biggest budget crisis ever? Pisses me off. One of my friends is a single parent with 2 kids and has been working here for four years - she qualifies for government assistance? She's smart, has a degree, drives a crap car that's paid for, lives in a small cheap apartment in the sticks. I think it's fine if we have a budget crisis and we all have to tighten our belts collectively, but why are they telling us they can't afford our 1.5% raise when some are getting 37%? And he hasn't even come up for review yet? And he's not well liked by those who will be reviewing him - in fact, they are gathering up evidence against him because they want him out. ARRRgh! It's so frustrating.

Meanwhile, surfer girl (nickname for MY boss) is making 80K, has a husband who has his own business (and can turn down work) and complaining that she doesn't have enough money at the end of the month. Yeah, I feel her pain.

And the thing that makes me mad isn't even really the money. It's the pissy attitude they have about us wanting a fair wage. Surfer Girl tells us if we don't like it here we should find another job. Well, 5 people have already left and 6 more are looking. I think by the end of the year, everyone will be gone except computing and the girls in Eastwick. (That's where SG's friends are. They get promotions and raises just for sneezing.)
It's a crazy place.

I'm thinking I'll be out of here before the end of the year. At least I hope so.

the one with worcestershire, sesame oil, plum sauce and sweet mustard is tasty. the one with lemon juice, thyme, horseradish and garlic is a little dry. the one with rice and yellow tomatoes looks good. the second with rice and yellow tomatoes with honey, peppers and olive oil is still cookin'. i was trying to use up some of the many condiments in my refrigerator.

thought i'd actually cook something tonight like chicken and rice. got the big bag of chicken breasts out of the freezer and realized they were starting to get freezer burn. so i've made 4 different chicken dishes and i'll eat whichever one is done. so it looks like i've got lunch for the next couple of weeks.

i just realized i only have a three day work week this week! yay! i took thursday off to take a class.

i never use the emoticons. :arrow: :lol:
:shock:
:x
:P
:o
there.

it's been a crazy 3 days - yesterday was in LA to see Topdog/Underdog - the Pulitzer Prize winning play by .....Suzan-Lori something or other. I was the only one who really liked it - everyone else thought it was "interesting" or "depressing". and it [i]was[/i] depressing, but you got clues early on in the game that it wasn't going to have a happy ending. what i really liked was her dialogue - ghetto patois...brilliant. she apparently wrote spike lee's [b]girl 6[/b] but i've never seen that - looked kinda ... boring to me. maybe i should rent it and see what it really is.

i'm supposed to be writing tonight - missed a deadline and another one is approaching. i gotta get it together.

still can't figure out why i'm so tired.....guess i better go take a vitamin or something.

Okay, today was supposed to be my restful day off. Yet here I am just getting home at 1:30am. That's not right....

First a visit to the doctor to find out that I have achilles tendonitis and that treatment involves ice packs (yech!) and physical therapy. Fun. I just wanted a pill and some kind of special shoe. I had to get an xray. I figure I probably got the last of my viable eggs zapped away today.

Then my job interview with the television evangelist place. Kinda freaky, that. Let's just say I was fairly certain it wouldn't be a good fit, but now I'm absolutely 100% sure. Although I do have to say I was a little surprised - expected them to all look like Stepford Wives (by the way, why are they remaking that movie?) with that big evangelist hair but no makeup. They all looked normal, far as I can tell. But still, it's not going to work.

I stopped at my friend's house after that for an hour or so. That was fun. I like her apartment, but it's not necessarily in the safest place.

Back home to change clothes and check my email. I did promise to check in for work on Fridays just in case.

Grabbed some dinner - the catfish at Popeye's? Not so good.

Over to church. I got there around 6:30 or so, and it was scheduled to go until 11. Yikes! It was a really good session though. I really like hearing the speakers and hearing about their lives and experiences.

Then five of us went for coffee. Good times, but I'm tired now.

And I've got to write tonight still. I haven't turned in a column in about 3 weeks now. Maybe I'll wake up early in the morning (yeah, right) and do it. I think I have one that is almost complete.

I'm attending a conference at my church for the next three days. I'm a little...wonky right now. Tired and hungry and just brain-filled. I think I take God for granted. I think I'm blase about how BIG He is. I like to bring Him to my level so I can try to understand Him with the 11% of my brain that I do use. But God is bigger than that. And He wants to bring me to His level. Why do I fight that?

I am thankful. I love the life I'm living - it's so....FULL! And to see my dreams, things I've been scared to admit even to myself just handed to me like it was something on my Christmas list...it's fabulous! But am I thankful for the "small" things - that I have a home, a car, a job. Well, especially that last one - cuz I kinda hate it. But yeah, I think maybe I am, because it's not like I hate it because it's terrible, only because I'm bored and I know something better is just around the corner and I'm crazy with anticipation.

Speaking of which - turned in three resumes today. Two for writing and one for production assistant. We'll see. Have an interview tomorrow with a television ministry. I'm tempted to cancel because I'm not liking what I'm hearing about them. When I saw the name, I knew it was familiar, but I thought maybe they were like Billy Graham. Now I find out they're more like Jim and Tammy Faye. Part of me is just freakin' curious. I can already tell we are not going to be the best fit. They're some of those speaking in tongues people. And it seems to be real important to them. Whereas, I don't quite see the point. I mean, yes, it's a spiritual gift and it's in the Bible, but it's not the be all and end all of spiritual gifts. I mean I've witnessed it, and I wasn't particularly impressed. I kept looking around the church to see if someone was understanding this person. And no one stood up and interpreted...so, it was just kind of this weird little intermission in the middle of the service.

I think that's why I don't go to those kind of services. It seems more like a performance, and I end up with a lot of doubts as to the person's sincerity.

So, will I go to the interview tomorrow? I've not decided yet. I'm kind of thinking it would be nice just to have that time free for something else. Will I have the nerve to call and cancel? Probably not. :wink:

Okay, I did pretty well this weekend. I slept late on Friday, and just went to the bank and a couple of other places. On Saturday I stayed in all day, watched TV and flipped through magazines (reading them would have taken far too much energy and commitment) and I slept late on Sunday and went to church at 5. It was fun. A really good message about not setting yourself up to repeat the same patterns that got you in to trouble in the first place. I've decided to give up non-discretionary spending for Lent this year. It was going to be spending money, but I realized I would have to buy gas ($2.09 a gallon!!!!!!) food and go to the dry cleaners and crap like that, so I would have to spend money. But it can only be on things I need. I went to Target on Friday to get some things for a friend and even though her things only added up to about thirty bucks, I managed to spend $104! So like $70 was spent on things I didn't need. That's sad.

Oh yeah, I remember these things....paragraphs....yeah, they're cool.

Although yesterday I was remarkably well rested, today I am really tired again. I'm thinking they're pumping opium into the office so we all get woozy and sleepy and fall asleep on our keyboards and that way the Evil Empire can dock us for that time. But they don't know I've got the antidote! It's called - leaving! Yes! I leave for about 15 minutes every couple of hours and go visit someone else. The added benefit is my belief that it is impossible to fall asleep whilst walking. Of course it leads people (read: boss) to think I'm never at my desk, but when I return I am always carrying a folder - no sense taking chances, right?

I have just yawned for like the tenth time since I've started writing. Will anyone notice me under my desk?